October 5, 2024

 Hello Dear Reader, 

Welcome to my first blog post... I hope no one I know finds this. The purpose of this blog is to help me work through my thoughts and generally document my life as I see it. 

I'm writing this during a period of change. I guess we're all changing everyday, but whatever. You can expect me to recount the horror story that is my dating life, my thoughts on work, friendship and life in general. 

EX #3

I guess now that this is out of the way, let's begin shall we! I want to start in July of 2024 (I hope my dear reader forgives me if I jump around and meander through time during this section); I got dumped by my girlfriend of 3 or so years... I still maintain it was for the best, but a loss nonetheless.We met each other online, as most people do in our modern age; it was a somewhat of a whirlwind romance, I still remember those times fondly. Our first date was at a coffee shop where we chatted for a few hours about our interests and hobbies, I remember grabbing her phone and adding albums to her Spotify. We ended up going on many more dates before making it "official". I was drawn in by how different she was -- she was open and honest, she asked pointed questions that sought to examine what and why I behaved the way I did. She genuinely wanted to know me in every sense of the word know. I quickly realized that I found it difficult to be open and honest about the way that I felt, I always had a fear that people who knew the real me would see how broken I was on the inside. Just a boy, not yet a fully formed adult. Although this was in 2021, I still feel the same way 3 years later, it's not necessarily a fear of vulnerability, it's a fear of rejection, and not being accepted for who I am or want to be. I guess that's a natural feeling, right? 

Anyway, back on track, we dated for 3 years and throughout that time there were many highs and lows, each high like being on Everest and lows as deep as the Mariana's trench. I know it sounds a bit cheesy, but it's true, we fought a lot and made up a lot. It was this constant cycle, with new issues that cropped up every few months to constantly fight about. I always had this optimistic view that maybe one day the fighting would end, or that she would see my way. However, that never happened. Every so often, the fighting resulted in a threat to end the relationship, and then a quick retreat from the empty threat. I used the threat to gain power, to feel in control of an uncontrollable situation. It was selfish of me to do so, but I lacked the maturity to have an open and honest conversation, and often acquiesced to any demands put forward by the other side of the argument. This back and forth resulted in me promising change, but changes that I never intended to make, promises that were as empty as the threat to leave. I'll break the relationship down more thoroughly in another post, but suffice to say that in July 2024, after breaking up and getting back together in the fall of 2023, our relationship ended for good. It didn't end in any spectacular fashion, a conversation on the phone after a few days apart is how it ended. That conversation was supposed to be a way to repair and move forward after a difficult few months. She confessed to me prior to the breakup that she resented me and felt bored in our relationship. All those promises of change on my end never came to fruition and I quickly realized that I had no way out this time, I either followed through on the changes that she requested, or throw in the towel and walk away. I chose the latter. 

It reached a point where it felt like we were both dragging this lifeless body of a relationship that was well expired in two opposite directions. We wanted different things out of life, had goals and values that didn't align. There is much to say about EX #3, but I'll summarize by saying that I learned a lot from that relationship and really enjoyed the highs. I think there will be another post to dissect this relationship further. 

Thank you for reading this if you're out there. I'm sure a vague post about an EX that I had is very satiating to ones intellectual needs and desires. Anyway, I will be back with more posts, but until then I wish you the very best! 

Yours truly, 

HMC